Alone

Big exhale and an audible sigh...

It's been rough sailing for a while now in Jasmine land.

Emotions (energy with judgement) are causing my eyes to leak salt water by the bucket.

Utterances of the most horrid sort fly from pursed lips at the speed of hate, anger and grief.

Work happens and brings joy until it stops. That's when the cycle begins anew, or does it?

Maybe it never stopped but was simply paused so I could provide service to others by adding sparkle to their lives.

My clients will never know that a moment before I whisked my way into their lives I was purging pain buried so deep that it's cracked open the ocean floor of my being.

Of my world.

Of my self.

I smile.

I radiate.

I uplift and express.

I love them and theirs and as I turn away to leave so does the look on my face.

The glow becomes a ragged, age-old-sadness and my eyes grow wet with the strain.

My shoulders shake, my voice cracks and my heart laments the loss of hope and the loss of dreams curdled into a sour fantasy of illusion.

How did this happen?

Why did I not see this coming?

But I did see it.

I saw it as clearly as I see the words on this page.

And it happened because I finally chose me just as he chose he.

I said yes to my life.

Yes to my health.

Yes to my heart.

And yet...

And yet here I sit as I type to you and I mourn the loss of my illusion.

Of my dream.

Of my fantasy.

Of my fight.

Of my unspoken agreement to love no matter what.

And now I love and I hate. I Laugh and I brood. I cry and I rage. I miss and I celebrate.

But, underneath it all, I recognize the solitary echo of my lonely heart.

I miss my beloved one as I wonder, and remember, that he was never truly there to begin with.

It was, after all, only a left handed dream in the hands of a right hearted girl.

And so, it truly is what it is and not what I wanted it to be.

Go figure.

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