"How to Elegantly RECEIVE a Shit Sandwich and Not Take It Personally" (part two of last weeks cooking lesson by none other than Jasmine I)
There you sit patiently waiting.
Your heart pitter-patters a song of hopeful anxiety while your mind chews the cud of its self evaluated worth.
"Did I make the cut?"
"Will they like it?"
"I hope everything's o.k."
Your uncertain eyes scan their face with what you hope to be a look of Hollywood cool, nonchalance.
The only things giving away your panic are the growing circles of stinky-pit-nerve-sweat on your once dry shirt.
As they open their mouths to speak you know it's going to be a harsh, ugly, messy delivery.
No coddling, consideration or compassion here. Just straight up shit slinging.
You do your best to steady yourself and are amazed at how many simultaneously different thoughts you can have in a single moment;
"After all I've done for you?"
"I thought we were friends."
"Holy F__K, I never saw THAT coming!"
"I need a drink."
It's obvious to you that they never read "How to Lovingly Make & Serve a Shit Sandwich While Keeping Your FROS (Friendly Return On Sandwich) Rate High" and you realize it's completely up to you to champion your own emotional well being.
You'll later decide IF you'll ever speak to this person again.
A bouquet of manure scented daisies will be heading their way soon enough but for now YOU have to deal with receiving this mess.
Here’s my family recipe for receiving a shit sandwich with the grace of Baryshnikov, the versatility of MacGyver and the saucy sass of Mae West. (you can delete the Mae West factor if you prefer but only AFTER you try it once)
Recipe & Process (it’s an all in one batter)
SMILE as you listen.
At the same time plot their demise in the most colourful way possible. Disclaimer: this is for your mental entertainment value only. Do NOT proceed in 3 dimensional reality unless your want to spend your life in an orange jumpsuit.
BREATHE and keep breathing. Be breathy, like you're about to have an orgasm in response to the lube-less hammer up the butt you've just received. (this is the Mae West part and double bonus points if you can smirk a little while doing it)
Remember – WHO GIVES A RATS ASS WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! There is a lid for every pot and whether your pot is a relationship, a book, your body or mind, you WILL be graced with the best and highest answer, support, direction and people as long as you keep going. (Smile knowingly here like the Mona Lisa)
KEEP GOING. This is NOT the end – not even close, it's a new beginning. I know that sounds like some overused motivational meme so feel free to tell me to screw myself. Feel better now? Good. Me too.
I pinky-swear that in a day or two you’ll understand that while that particular sandwich was pretty damn shitty, it DID contain some nutritional goodness. If you're wiling to find the vitamin in all of it you'll see that it was good for your growth in more ways than one.
FEEL. Be mad, sad, afraid, whatever. Do as much of this as you need to but DO NOT take it out on the delivery person Yes, they suck at human relations but that doesn't mean that YOU have to.
Besides, when you send that uniquely fragranced bouquet of fresh field daisies, you can do so anonymously; that ought to bring a smile to your face as you THANK-THEM for sharing and head out the door into a whole new world of opportunity, wine, and chocolate.
Chew well darling,